


for twenty five years Alex cried (and before that he didn't dare to)

by raspberryghoulaid



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex just wants to be loved, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Gay Character, Coming of Age, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, I Love Emily So Much, I Wrote Bobby Out Because Screw Him, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kinda Character Study With a Lalex Twist, Lalex - Freeform, Lalex Comfort Fic, Luke Just Wants to Love Alex, M/M, Pansexual Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Pre-Death/Post-Death, Sunset Curve, alex deserves better, chosen family, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28007613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raspberryghoulaid/pseuds/raspberryghoulaid
Summary: Alex has been through hell and back, and Luke is the one to pull him from the shambles surrounding him.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 85





	for twenty five years Alex cried (and before that he didn't dare to)

Alex Mercer can count on one hand the amount of times he’s ever cried in his entire life; the first time he remembers doing so he was nine and a boy at his school pushed him into a locker for no other reason than Alex had told him he liked his hair. Apparently, telling another boy you liked his hair was _too gay_ , and Alex paid the price for his naivete by spending the rest of the day in the nurse’s office with an ice pack over the swelling on his eye. When he got home that night and told his dad about it, rather than comfort him, his dad had only chastised him for not hitting back. He felt the tears starting to well in his eyes as his dad shook his head at him, and that had only made the situation worse. To this day, Alex is sure that if his mom hadn’t intervened when she did, his dad would have given him another black eye to complete the set.

After that night Alex learnt to keep his tears to himself, swallowing them down whenever boys throw gum wrappers at him in the lunchrooms or tape pages from _Playgirl_ magazine to the door of his locker. They never have a solid reason for their insults, everyone just seems to blindly follow the rumors the boys he’d gone to elementary with brought with them when they’d all (unfortunately) moved up to the same high school, tormenting him even years later. One day Alex decides to move to the bleachers during lunch period, longing for just one hour of solitude away from his peers, but they plague him there, too, and someone even goes as far as to suggest that he’s a pervert who only sits there to watch the track team do warmups. Safe to say Alex never dares to venture near there ever again.

Alex can’t win, and so he doesn’t try to. He keeps his head down in the hallways, doesn’t bother raising his hand in class even when he knows the answers, and eats lunch with the school guidance counselor Mrs. Patterson because she’d taken pity on him and let him in one day when she’d caught him loitering outside the door of her office. Sometimes, if Alex is lucky, she even brings him chocolate chip cookies. Inside those four, blaringly colorful walls, Alex feels safe, wanted. He grows comfortable with the space they create, where Alex doesn’t have to keep looking over his shoulder waiting for the next assault and Mrs. Patterson doesn’t ask many questions. That is, until he comes into her office one afternoon with a black eye, and she almost calls his parents, but when Alex starts to cry assures him she won’t if he tells her everything that happens from now on. Alex complies easily.

She is effortlessly easy to talk to; Alex tells her about his father, about how the track team practically hates him and shows her the magazine pages that’d been taped to his locker. She frowns the entire time, takes the pages from him and stashes them in a drawer with a promise to get it to stop. Alex almost believes her, until the next day after school he finds himself walking home with a broken wrist and a swollen lip, the penalty for his snitching. From then on, he lies to Mrs. Patterson whenever she asks him about it and changes the subject. Even so, to Alex’s incredulity, the pages start appearing on his locker less frequently-a mystery he’ll probably never solve.

Going home becomes harder, as his dad is constantly berating him for not getting involved in any of the sports teams or taking advantage of the college programs his school offers. His mom never contributes to those conversations, just sighs and places dinner in front of him with exhaustion in her eyes. It always plays out the same way: his dad drones on and on about how Alex is never going to become anything if he doesn’t _get off his ass and do something with his life_ , Alex tunes him out and pushes his dinner around with his fork wistfully, and then his dad yells at him even more for not paying attention. He’s only fifteen.

He tells Mrs. Patterson about this, about his dad’s brutality and his mom’s reluctance to do anything about it. To Alex’s absolute delight, she invites him to join her and her family for dinner at her house after school, and he says yes before she’s even finished talking, calls his parents from the phone in the school office letting them know he’ll be home late. They don’t care, Alex doesn’t really expect them to. On the ride home Mrs. Patterson tells him about her son, Luke, who’s his age, how he goes to school here too and asks if Alex has ever run into him, to which he shakes his head and replies _no, I don’t think so_. Upon actually seeing the boy, however, Alex is left wondering how he _hasn’t_ noticed him before, because _wow_ is he attractive. He hesitates on the doorstep for a moment, his skin starting to bristle under the eyes of the boy. What if he’s like the rest of them-what if he’s heard the rumors and is just as disgusted by Alex as the rest of the school?

“Hey, dude, I’m Luke,” The boy greets him, smiling. “My mom told me you were joining us tonight. Alex, right? We’re in the same biology class.”

Alex nods, his heart palpitating in his chest when the other boy reaches to clap him on the back, ushering him inside so he can give him ‘the tour’. He feels some of the tension ebb from his body as he’s coaxed out of the cold, already having started to shiver. Mrs. Patterson’s house is far unlike his own; it’s homier, and there are pictures on the wall of her and family where Alex’s own walls display nothing but awards his dad earned from work and shelves of _Harvard Business Review_. The fireplace flickers to life, and strings of garland wrap the mantle and match the glittering tree standing proudly in the center of the room. The entire scene causes Alex to realize with a startle it’s nearly Christmas, as his own family had never bothered to put up their own decorations and they have no family close enough to visit, so the holidays are often a dull period in Alex’s life. In the Patterson’s house, however, Christmas come _alive_ , filling every spare surface and cranny until the house is practically splitting at the seams with holiday spirit.

After Alex spends probably far too long ogling the state of the Patterson’s living room, Luke guides him to his bedroom, and Alex feels an entirely different form of awe. This room seem almost outcast from the rest of the house, instead of antiquated pieces of furniture and delicate knick-knacks strewn along end tables, Luke’s bedroom is lined in posters of bands and musicians Alex has never even _heard_ of. Stacks of records decorate the shelves of his bookcase, so abundant they spill out into boxes and cascade onto one corner of his dresser. A bright blue electric guitar rests on its stand by the bed, it’s importance made obvious as it’s evidently the most well-kept item in the room.

“Do you play guitar?” Alex blurtes out, wincing as the words pass his lips. _Of course he does, dummy, why else would there be a guitar in his room?_

“Oh, yea,” Luke replies excitedly, shutting the door behind them. “Ever since I was thirteen. I want to play in a real band someday, ya know? Right now it’s just me in my room writing songs that only my parents ever hear.” He laughs, and in that moment it’s a sound Alex knows he’ll never grow tired of hearing.

“That’s so cool,” Alex tells him, causing Luke to grin. “What kind of songs?”

“Oh, they’re not that good,” Luke blushes, shoving his hands into his pockets. “But I can, um, show you, if you want?” He offers when he sees the disappointment in Alex’s expression, and Alex beams. Luke rifles through his dresser drawer for a moment before producing a scuffed black notebook overrun with pages upon pages of songs that he’s written, and Alex flips through them carefully, Luke gauging his reactions.

“These are really good,” Alex says softly, and he means it. Luke is kind of amazing at writing lyrics, and Alex can’t help but fall in love with some of them. “You’re going to make it big some day, I just know it.”

“Thanks, dude,” Luke glows as Alex hands him back the notebook, shoving it under his pillow. It’s silent for the next few passing seconds, Luke taking a deep breath before he speaks again. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

Alex tenses at the question, tugs on his lower lip apprehensively as he turns to face the other boy. “Sure.”

“You’re….gay, right? I mean, all of the boys at school have been saying it, and I just-I wanted you to know that’s cool, you know.” Alex blinks, swallows thickly and waits for the other boy to continue. “My mom, I heard her talking about the pages to my dad, and I asked the guys to quit it, I’m sorry.” Luke confides, looking entirely ashamed. _So it was him._

“You did that?” Alex raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Why? I mean, you don’t know me.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve respect, dude,” Luke responds. “What they were doing was gross, and if I had known about it sooner-“

“It’s okay,” Alex cuts him off, shaking his head. “It’s not your fault. I just….I’m not gay. Well, I don’t think I am. I’m not sure.” He sighs. _I just happen to think your eyes are the prettiest shade of blue._ “You won’t tell anyone will you?”

“Of course not.” Luke vows, sealing his lips shut with a motion of his fingers. Alex laughs at this, and Luke brightens. Alex doesn’t know if he’s gay, but having the other boy’s support regardless manages to pull some of the weight of his shoulders. Mrs. Patterson’s voice rings out from the kitchen, calling them both for dinner, but Luke stops him before Alex can open the door. “You know, if you wanted, I could show you the rest of the songs one day.” He says slowly. “Or we could just hang out, I mean, if you wanted to.” The brown-haired boy trips over his words, his fingers playing with the hem of his tee shirt haphazardly.

“Sure, Luke.” Alex smiles, and Luke’s body eases.

“Cool.”

Luke doesn’t really ever go away after that night. On the contrary, Alex gradually stops eating lunch with Mrs. Patterson and starts going off-campus with Luke (they have yet to get caught). At first Alex had felt bad about abandoning Mrs. Patterson like that, but she’d been the one that pushed him to start spending time with her son so maybe she didn’t mind all that much. He scarcely ever goes directly home after school anymore, and Luke shows him the rest of the songs he’d promised to, even plays a few of them for Alex on guitar, too. He asks Alex if he’s ever had an interest in music, to which Alex replies _I’m not sure, I never really got the chance to find out_. An hour later Alex is standing in the middle of some music shop downtown Luke dragged him to, face-to-face with rows of instruments, some of which Alex didn’t even know _existed_. He tries guitar, and his fingers can’t seem to move as seamlessly along the strings as Luke’s does, and so he hands the instrument back to the shop attendant and moves on to another row. There’s guitars, and pianos, and even tubas, stocking every shelf and occupying nearly every free space in the cramped shop.

“Dude, you should try drums,” Luke tells him, thrusting a pair of drumsticks into his hands before Alex can respond. Alex swallows, perches himself on the seat carefully. His fingers wrap around the wooden handles, and for some reason it just feels _right_. He strikes the snare drum with his left hand, creating a resounding _thump_. The sound travels all the way through him and pulls a small smile from his lips. He stamps down on the pedal with his sneaker, and the bass drum comes to life. For the first time in his life Alex feels like he’s found his _purpose_ , and it isn’t making the track team or taking a marketing class like his father wants. The feeling he’s feeling right now, he wants it to last forever. “Alex…..” Luke grins at him, and all Alex can think is _this is it_.

He asks his parents for a set for Christmas, and his dad laughs at him. “You want to play music?” His dad retorts, setting his newspaper down to meet Alex’s gaze. “You might as well throw your life down the gutter right now.” He shakes his head, muttering to himself as he turns his attention back to his paper, and Alex’s heart feels like it’s been stepped on. He doesn’t bring it up again, except to Luke, who throws an arm around his shoulders and suggests that Alex stays the night. He does, and when they wake up in the morning a tangle of limbs Alex ignores the beating of his heart and beams when Mrs. Patterson tells them she’s made pancakes for breakfast.

Later that week, the day after New Year’s, Luke calls him on his home phone, tells him to come over right away and that he’s got a surprise for him. Alex pulls on his coat and sneakers in record time, not bothering to ask his parents for a ride knowing they’d just lecture him about it being an inconvenience anyways. When he gets to the Patterson’s Luke is waiting for him outside, grabbing his hand and leading him into the garage without even stopping to say hello. Alex opens his mouth to question what's happening, but all of the words die in his throat when he sees what’s waiting for them in the garage. His eyes go wide and Luke grins at the reaction, squeezing Alex’s hand. “Merry Christmas, Alex.”

“Luke, you didn’t.”

“Do you like it?” Luke’s voice softens as he shifts to stand closer to Alex, not letting go of his grip on the blonde boy’s hand.

“ _Like_ it?” Alex chokes, unable to process what he’s seeing. “Luke, I love it. You really didn’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” Luke tells him. “Now we can play together. You deserve this, Alex, believe that.”

Alex wants to cry then and there, but he doesn’t, because he doesn’t want to scare Luke away. He takes one step forward, running his fingers along the steel mechanisms and the canvas heads. There’s a set of shiny wooden drumsticks resting on the seat, and it’s beautiful, and brand new, and it’s all Alex’s. Alex doesn’t know what to say, how to ever thank Luke or his family for a gift this grand. Speechless, he spins on his heel and throws himself at the other boy, hugging him tightly. Luke catches him without falter, wrapping his arms around Alex’s middle and burying his face in his shoulder. “Thank you.” Alex’s voice wobbles, threatening to give out on him, his words muffled by the fabric of Luke’s tee shirt.

He knows he loves Luke then and there, and whether he really is gay or not he knows his heart belongs solely to the boy in his arms. They’re inseparable after that, spending the majority of their days in Luke’s garage playing around with the sounds of their instruments and constructing melodies to the lyrics Luke already had written down on paper. Fifteen turns into sixteen and time brings Reggie Peters into their lives, a boy in their grade who Luke found out played bass during a class the two shared, and he’s like the piece of the puzzle they never knew they needed. Their music makes it’s way onto boardwalks, parks, and street corners, collecting baseball caps full of crumpled dollar bills and spending countless hours afterwards celebrating the small victories in Luke’s garage.

One day, when Luke finally decides that their band needs a name, Reggie hits them with _Sunset Curve_ and they fall in love immediately. It becomes not only a band, but a lifestyle, with afternoons booked up with rehearsals and weekends reserved for shows on the beachfront. Alex doesn’t recall the last time he’d been home, and Reggie is evidently always around (he finds out later that the bassist’s parents are assholes), and so the three of them spend more time with each other than anything else. They become a family.

Luke holds his hand at random now, and more than once Alex catches the other boy looking at him from across the room during rehearsals. He doesn’t say anything about it, knows that the other boy has always been this way and it’s just the way Luke displays friendship. He gets used to it after a while, even, until one night after Reggie has gone off somewhere and it’s just Luke and Alex alone in Luke’s living room. Alex had picked the movie, _Clueless_ , but he isn’t really paying attention. Sometime during the middle of the movie Luke’s arm had made it’s way around Alex’s shoulders and stayed there. He noticed it straight away, no matter how nonchalant Luke may have tried to make the gesture seem.

“Hey, Alex?” Luke says quietly, catching his attention. Alex turns to look at him, meets his gaze and prompts him to continue. Luke breathes shakily. “Do you ever think, maybe people can like girls _and_ boys?” He tugs on his lower lip anxiously, and even in the dim lighting Alex can see the way his skin flares red.

“All the time,” Alex responds, more confident in his answer now then he was a year ago. “Why, do you like boys and girls?” He makes sure to talk in hushed tones, as he knows Luke’s parents are in the other room.

Luke sighs, threads his fingers through his hair. “I think so.” He confesses. “I mean, there’s one boy in particular I like, so I think so.” Alex’s interest is peaked at this, and he tunes out the movie in the background to focus completely on Luke.

“There’s a boy I like, too.” Alex tells him, causing Luke to raise his eyebrows in question.

“Yea?

“Yea.”

“Hey, Alex?” Luke whispers, leaning in. Alex’s breath hitches in his throat as he feels Luke’s breath fan his face.

“Yea?” It’s the only word his brain seems to know how to produce for the time being. Luke fingers reach forward and cradle his chin, tilting his head upwards the slightest bit.

“Can I kiss you?”

“God, yes.”

That all Luke needs. He surges forward, capturing Alex’s lips with his own. The kiss is clumsy and isn’t by any means an impressive first kiss, but it’s Luke he’s kissing and so it’s exceptionally wonderful by Alex’s standards. Luke’s hand moves up his cheek, stroking the skin there with his thumb tenderly. They kiss until Alex’s lips feel swollen and all the breath has been stolen from his lungs, and Luke pulls back with a grin. He knows he loves Luke then, too, but he doesn’t say it, just smiles and rests his head on Luke’s chest for the remainder of the movie.

Things only seem to go upward for them from there, with their relationship, with the band, everything. When Alex finally musters up the courage to tell his parents about his sexuality they don’t kick him out as he’d expected, but they don’t speak to him anymore either. He cries about it in his bedroom that night, but wakes up the next morning with a newfound sense of authenticity and goes over to Luke’s with an extra spring in his step. Reggie finds out when he catches them making out in Luke’s garage one afternoon, but just rolls his eyes at the pair of them and asks what song they’re starting with. Alex finally feels like he’s living his life and not letting it drag him along-hell, they’ve even managed to get themselves a show at the _Orpheum_ , the place they’d been dreaming of the moment since this band had been brought to life. Things are turning around for them.

And then they die, and an odd twenty-something years and three tragic deaths later, Alex is _very_ much gay, and his boyfriend, after reading up on the term on Julie’s computer, verifiably pansexual. They lay tangled together on a pullout in the loft of the studio, limbs overlapping and breaths intermingling as Luke kisses him tenderly.

Reggie snores quietly from somewhere below, already deep in sleep (do they even need sleep? Alex doubts he’ll ever run out of afterlife questions). Not that it matters, anyway, because they’re all together, and it’s everything Alex could ever ask for. Luke’s fingers weave through his blonde locks, tugging gently, and Alex exhales contentedly. “You looked really pretty tonight.” Luke murmurs against his lips, and Alex’s heart skips a beat.

“You’re ridiculous,” Alex retorts, grinning nevertheless. “We both know the crowd’s eyes were all on you and Julie.”

“Well, _my_ eyes were on you,” Luke replies, smirking. He props his head on his hand and lets his fingertips continue to graze Alex's cheek. “I love you, you know that right? Ever since we were sixteen.”

“Yea,” Alex presses their foreheads together, lets his gaze wander Luke’s face and wonders _how the hell he got so lucky_. “I love you, too, Luke.” It’s finally been said out loud, this budding feeling the two of them share, and the relief washes through him.

“Good, because death can’t really do us part anymore, so you’re stuck with me forever.” Luke tells him, pulling him in to kiss him once more before burying his face in the blonde boy’s shoulder. Luke’s skin is warm against his own, and Alex revels in the sensation of his bandmate’s arms winding around his body snugly. A part of him wishes he could capture this moment and show it to his younger self, to let him know that _hey, it gets better_. If he knew back then what his life would lead to- meeting Luke and _falling_ for Luke and bringing Reggie into their little circle, the creation of _Sunset Curve_ , the best thing (besides Luke) that had ever happened to him. To show himself that even through all of his dad’s yelling and his mom’s ignorance that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that the afterlife really wasn’t as scary as he’d once thought and he would get to do the thing he loves with the people he loves each and every day.

In the end, he is so unbelievably, incredibly happy that he almost cries.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really have much to say about this other than i absolutely love Alex and he deserved more backstory in the show (as did Reggie and Luke). i've already written a mild character study on Reggie, if you want to check it out on my account, and i'm intending on doing one for Luke in the future.


End file.
